Dear IRS:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 federal income tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair that, since they are minors and not my responsibility, the government (who, evidently, is not taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they're yours!
The oldest, Jennifer, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office, where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it is wonderful you will be responsible for that expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It does not run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
My son Lance is 14. I have had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Lance home. He and his friends were TP-ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You will have plenty of time, since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I will take care of filing your number with the principal.
Judy is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the 60's. She wears tie-died clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive, so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying!
It's quite obvious we're terrible parents (ask the other two), so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under 20 understand the curious patois she fashions out of the valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I do not. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her rolling her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
You denied two of the three deductions, so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest. I will go bankrupt with Jennifer's college expenses but then I'm free. If you take the two oldest, at least I have time for counseling before Judy becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, I won't feel so bad about putting Lance in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I already have increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.